26
Jul
09

how to catch a Soviet agent, or why I love Jack Layton’s moustache

As you may have read earlier in the blog, when speaking of the transit system, I am terribly concerned as to the influence that Soviet agents are having on our country. After all, as explained in the following clip by Rick Mercer, NATO, which was created to fight the Soviet Union, still exists. Since I’ve never been to this ‘Russia’, and the Canadian government never does anything that is nonsensical in any way, I have to assume that we are still fighting the Soviets.

They could even be among us. They could even be members, or, truth be told, leaders, of federal political parties. Now, I’ve found that this quick guide to be helpful:

  1. Socialists have beards.
    I, and I cannot stress this enough, do not think that every person with a beard is a socialist. I mean, I have a beard, and I’m pretty sure I don’t meet the membership requirements. All I’m saying is that many, many socialists had beards. Just look – Karl Marx, Frederich Engles, Vladamir Lenin. Every one of them has a beard of some kind to mask their faces, faces caked with the blood of industry.
    Comparatively, the
  2. They wear Orange
    This applies to Canada only, but thankfully for you, loyal socialist scouts, orange is a hideous colour that very few clothing manufacturers have had the requisite brain hemorrhaging for orange clothes to be an option. If you see an orange bearded man, he’s probably going to legislate your ass into submission.

In a more practical and partisan frames, I like the moustache because, apparently, bearded candidates receive an average loss of 5% support on their beard alone. Can you imagine how this could wreck destruction upon the country – assuming the votes were spread out evenly, the NDP would steal or split seats from the Liberal ranks, and practically ensure that Harper wins a majority.

To cite US examples, the last candidate to win a Presidential election in the US to have a beard was Benjamin Harrison, in 1888. In fact, only five elections have seen the more bearded candidate win the popular vote, the last again being in 1888.

Keep that razor in the drawer, Mr Layton. I love you just the way you are.

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